Complete Guide

Attachment Wounds and Their Effects on Relationships

Understanding how our earliest relationships shape who we are, and how healing is possible.

12 min read
Research-based
Written by Rachel Harrison, LCPC, NCC

"My partner and I were having a disagreement one day. In true therapist fashion, I asked him a question about his childhood. His response back to me (he works in IT) was, 'Does everything have to go back to childhood?'"

Well, when we're talking about relationships and communication in relationships, to best understand how we show up, we do have to go back to childhood. The relationships we had with our caregivers earlier in life set the stage for our relationships with others throughout our lives. After all, our very first experience in life with a relationship is the one we experienced with our caregivers.

Understanding how your earliest relationships shaped you is the first step toward changing your relational patterns. The more you know about your attachment style, the more choices you have in the relationships you are in now.

What is Attachment?

Definition

Attachment is "the relational interplay between parent and child that shapes their brains (child and parent) and impacts their way of relating, their connection, and ultimately a child's self-esteem."

- Rachel Harrison, LCPC, NCC, Founder of Trauma Specialists Training Institute

Attachment and attachment wounds can begin as early as in-utero. Attachment is developed when an infant's/child's needs are consistently met. This repetitive pattern builds a sense of trust and safety with the infant's/child's caregivers.

When an infant's/child's needs are not being met, or are being inconsistently met by their caregivers, the infant/child experiences an attachment disruption. It's important to keep in mind that no one has a perfect attachment. It's what a caregiver does in the face of an attachment disruption that can have the greatest impact on an infant's/child's development.

Important Note

Attachment disruptions can deeply impact the infant's/child's felt sense of safety and develop an attachment wound. However, repair is possible at any stage of life. Our brains have the ability to create new neural pathways.

Types of Attachment Wounds

Attachment wounds can develop through various experiences in early childhood. Understanding these helps both clients and clinicians identify the roots of relational patterns:

Separation from Primary Caregivers

Foster care, orphanage, adoption, caregiver hospitalization, or infant/child hospitalization

Exposure to Drugs/Alcohol

In-utero exposure or caregiver struggling with addiction

Neglect

Caregiver emotionally unavailable due to severe mental illness/addiction, caregiver has own unresolved trauma, infant/child left to cry for long periods without intervention, infant/child left in soiled diaper for extended periods

Physical or Sexual Abuse

Direct abuse of the infant/child by caregivers or others

Witnessing Domestic Violence

This can also be experienced in-utero and has lasting impacts on the developing nervous system

The Four Attachment Styles

Our earliest understandings of attachment and attachment theory come from Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. There are four main attachment styles: secure attachment, ambivalent (or anxious) attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.

Each of these styles speaks to what was experienced with the caregiver and the effect it has on relationships moving forward.

Secure Attachment

Caregiver Relationship

  • When distressed, needs were met by caregiver
  • Caregiver provided comfort, nurturing, and unconditional love
  • Caregiver made consistent effort to understand distress
  • Child felt safe and trusts needs will be met

Effects in Adulthood

  • Emotions well-regulated
  • Good self-control
  • Able to be independent without fear
  • Able to set healthy boundaries and address conflict directly
  • Can form and develop close meaningful relationships
  • Can give love and recognize love from others

Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment

Caregiver Relationship

  • Caregiver was responsive inconsistently
  • Sometimes available to meet needs, other times not
  • Unpredictable availability created uncertainty

Effects in Adulthood

  • Struggles with low self-esteem
  • Wants to be close but fears others don't want to be with them
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Needs constant reassurance
  • Derives self-worth from how partner sees them
  • Often perceived as "needy" or "clingy"
  • Experiences separation as threatening; fears abandonment

Avoidant Attachment

Caregiver Relationship

  • Caregiver was unavailable, distant, or rejecting
  • Caregiver did not reliably meet needs
  • Child learned to not depend on caregiver

Effects in Adulthood

  • Avoids close relationships and fears emotional intimacy
  • Avoids expression of emotions and conflict
  • Minimizes or dismisses the feelings of others
  • Struggles to maintain long-term relationships
  • Highly independent
  • Ultimately fears rejection

Disorganized Attachment

Caregiver Relationship

  • Caregiver was a source of fear for the child
  • Child lived in constant state of fear
  • Experienced severe abuse and/or neglect, most often by caregiver
  • Child did not learn how to regulate emotions or self-soothe
  • Multiple changes in caregiver
  • Preverbal trauma

Effects in Adulthood

  • Inability to regulate emotions
  • Sees love as pain
  • Frequent emotional turmoil in relationships, shifting from loving to hating partner
  • Feelings of unworthiness in relationships
  • May exhibit aggressive or antisocial behaviors
  • May date those who abuse them or become abusers (replaying what they know)

How Can We Heal Attachment Wounds?

The good news: Our brains have the ability to create new neural pathways. This is called neuroplasticity, and it means that healing is possible at any stage of life.

There are effective, evidence-based approaches that can help heal attachment wounds. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has shown particular promise in addressing the underlying traumatic experiences that created attachment disruptions.

For EMDR Clinicians Working with Attachment

If you are an EMDR Trained Clinician interested in more training to support clients with attachment wounds, consider these Advanced Trainings with us:

Frequently Asked Questions

Can attachment style change over time?
Yes. While attachment patterns formed in childhood tend to persist, they are not fixed. Through self-awareness, healthy relationships, and therapeutic work, people can develop more secure attachment patterns. Our brains retain neuroplasticity throughout life, meaning new neural pathways can be created. EMDR therapy can help facilitate healing of attachment wounds leading to a change in attachment style as an adult.
Is one attachment style better than others?
Secure attachment is associated with better relationship outcomes and emotional well-being. However, all attachment styles developed as adaptive responses to early environments. The goal isn't to judge any style but to understand how your patterns developed and whether they're serving you now.
Can I have different attachment styles with different people?
Yes. While we tend to have a primary attachment style, it can manifest differently depending on how safe we feel in a relationship. If relationship dynamics make us feel unsafe, we may respond by shifting to an attachment style that has previously helped us to stay safe in scary relationships. You might feel more secure with certain people and more anxious or avoidant with others, depending on the dynamics.
How does EMDR help with attachment wounds?
EMDR helps process the traumatic memories and experiences that created attachment disruptions. By reprocessing these early experiences, clients can reduce the emotional charge around them and develop new, more adaptive beliefs about themselves and relationships. EMDR's Phase 2 (Preparation) is particularly important for building resources in clients with attachment wounds. Our Mastering Phase 2 training goes deep on this work. For clinicians working with disorganized attachment specifically, our EMDR and BPD training builds on Phase 2 resourcing. Our Attachment-Informed EMDR training connects attachment theory directly to EMDR practice.

Want to Learn More?

For clinicians: Understanding attachment is essential for effective trauma treatment. Our advanced trainings go deeper into attachment-informed approaches to EMDR.

View Advanced Trainings What is EMDR?

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